Pop is what people like me call soda, or Coke.
There are two types of people in the world: those who claim that there are only two types of people in the world and those who understand how ridiculous that statement is.
If I drink full-sugar pop I’ll boot. That’s not a metaphor. I will literally boot the entire contents back into the can almost as soon as I drink it. The can will be full, as if nobody had ever even had it in his stomach.
I doubt you’ll have much experience with pop. Gramma Sue kept a lot of it in the house when I was your age. I drank a lot of it. I also threw up a lot. Anyway, your mother and I don’t keep pop around, so you’ll have to get it at your friends’ houses, or at school. We’re not anti-pop, exactly, we just don’t care for it. This is also why you might not have much experience with beef jerky. I just don’t have the taste for it.
In any case, pop sensitivity is not recognized by any medical association, and I’m not going to fight for its recognition. Like I said, I don’t really care for pop – perhaps because it makes me boot – but still.
But I love bread and butter, and those poor suckers who can’t eat it are some sad sonsabitches.
 Simpletons from certain areas of the Midwest.
 Assuming your between the ages of 0 and 18 when you read this.